Once you pop, you can't stop!

I have already been planning to stop, quit smoking and stop or at least minimize partee-ing.

More or less, I have spent more than P50,000.00 on drugs -- ecstacy, ketamine, etc. I could have bought clothes or gave it to my parents. But my addiction is stronger than me.

When you are in it, you will know "different" people and you will find them very interesting. You wanna be like them or at least identified with them. However, the searching and amazement never stops. You will continuously find even more interesting people and you will use drugs because you want to be with them, know them more, and create relationship. And, you can never find any good way but to partee with them.

February 17, 2007 during the Bigfish HedKandi was the first time I popped. It was fantastic. It was full of fun, of new friends and new discovery. I felt that I'm already someone new, more interesting and a step higher than normal beings.

Then, I have been losing weight. I didn't mind hitting the scale but my appearance will definitely suggest bulimia, anorexia, starvation, South Africa, or simply an addict... very Hollywood. I was at first enthralled since I wanna lose my beer tummy. It's gone now, and my cheeks too.

I never fail to get "OMG! You are very skinny!" everyday. And, it no longer sounds flattering. It is more, alarming. I guess because when they say it infront of my face, they're like disgusted. I bet, I'm already a screaming "addict faggot" in the workplace. As much as I wanna keep it discreet but my appearance suggests otherwise. As a matter of fact, while writing this post my manager concernedly remarked," Ang payat payat mo na !" (You are very thin.)

Now, my self-worth is depreciating. I'm struggling.