My Sanity

I have trust issues. I don’t trust the people around me anymore. I always think that I am at the losing side. I am the deceived, the unwanted and the least important.

Only sometimes, I am awarded with a little consolation. They befriend me, the euphemize (a lot), they think I am very fragile and has very puny threshold to criticism, anger, rejection and blunt confrontation. And, I think I am.

I feel that I now control only a meager part of my sanity. I am a big fat paranoid. I am always scared, I am always helpless. Those situations that I thought I have survived from are in absoluteness, irrelevant and shallow.

Why do I think of myself this way? I still want to do a lot of things, especially good ones. I want to do things that could make a positive change; a change that is visible in the many; something worthwhile and truly noble. However, am I really capable of executing such desires? Do I have the capability and the strength? I think of myself so feebly. My self-regard is beyond the abyss of the pit of inferiority. And, I can’t help it.

Am I insane? I don’t want to go crazy. I still want to do good deeds. But, how am I going to carry those things out if my sanity has given up? How?

I will pray to God, that He will give me enough courage and confidence to continue with my life righteously. I want to do it; I am very eager and passionate.

So help me God. Help me realize that these are just trials. Help me believe that I am still capable, and I still can fight.