December Tear

Hi December. Welcome!

I am not ok. Again, crying… Why is it so hard to love? Or, even to figure out myself? Who am I? My relationships are wrecks because I don’t know what I want and I don’t know sometimes if I am even capable.

I’m crying about Guy 1. Is this karma? It was my sub-conscious plan to play with him. Keep it real and tough, make him beg for monogamy, but look at me now… I am crying… I am hurting…

Do I love Guy 1? At the time when, maybe, I am going to lose him? I am not ready… I have been hurting Guy 1 and now he is full of my shit.

He walked out on me, expressed all his dismay. I have been complaining to myself that I am always frustrated. Or, was I just expecting too much? I have been a bitch. I was in my bitchiest. I thought he is just disposable. But, he isn’t.

Now I’m hurting. Now I’m crying. Now I’m confused. I am so pathetic.

Look at me… All by myself… Emotional… Sipping a tall glass of vodka. I am hurting myself. I am just helpless. I have no one now… I am alone.

I just checked my phone… He texted… He said, “Sleep tyt babe luv u…” I don’t know what to say anymore… Sobbing is all that I can do. It seems like the only thing that I am capable of right now. I didn’t know that I have these lots of tears to cry.

Maybe he doesn’t realize how I am hurting right now.