A bleep ended his slumber. He reaches for his phone, leaving a slope in his pillow and supports his body with his right elbow. Hazy, his vision adjusting to the light and reads a message from his boyfirend.
"Mi, papartee ata kami later with Layla and Kim. Si Kim may kasama daw na cute guy."
He slumps his head back to his pillow and sighs. He frowns. His thoughts start revving from dormancy. He doesn't trust his gut, looking for a better reaction than irked. Finally, he says, busies his fingers, dials an infinite phone number which reads,
"OK. U behave Di, you know may asawa ka na. :-)"
He rested his phone on his chest, raising simultaneousy with his breathing. Too toot. Raises his phone, a silhoutte of himself mirrors in the screen, presses the asterisk and the OK buttons and the screen glows with a whitish light. The message says,
"Mi, chinito pa yong fren ni Kim. :-). Di ka selos?"
His reply reeking with jealousy and anger, knowing how his boyfriend fancies chinese-looking guys.
Waiting for some comfort, he did not get anything but, "Hmpf!"
Him: Well, yeah, I am a lil bit jelous. But I should trust you ryt? Can I trust you with this?
Boyfriend: Oo naman. Pero ano talaga nararamdaman mo? Tell me.
Him: Nanginginig na ako sa galit.
Boyfriend: Huh? Mi, wag ka na selos please. :-(
Him: OK. I trust you, have fun! :-)
Boyfriend: Ewan ko sayo, di ka na nagseselos. Di mo ako love. Tampo na Dadi.
Him: OK. If you wanna have fun and partee, I'm letting you. If you want me to get jealous, well I am jealous. In fact, I am just consciously convincing myself that I shouldn't because you love me. What else do you wanna hear?
Now, he is totally confused.
He is fumbling with his reasons. He can't draw any logic to untangle the knots of obfuscation. His head has hollowed again, all he hears is the whistling breeze of a wasteland.
He is trying to justify if he is entitled of his jealosuy. Yes. He is feeling jealous, but it is a kind of jealousy that trust can resolve. He feels that he owes it to his boyfriend, to put trust before jealousy.
So he did.
But it seems like it isn't what his boyfriend needs from him. His boyfriend wants him to be jealous. And so he gives in.
Now he hates himself. He loathes the idea that he had to bottle up his feelings so it appears pleasant to his boyfriend's tasting. He abhors his cowardice to lose an asshole-in-the-making boyfriend. He is turning to be placatory, when he used to think he is a princess. Like a candle lighting a match.