Sep 2007

I can't exactly remember since when I got single. I can recollect, but can't find a time. I just feel like it has been too long already since the last that I was in a serious relationship, or at least I was serious. Now, every single day I am constantly hoping to find a partner. It sounds so desperate of me, but all I know this time around is that, I want a stable and serious relationship, with someone I truly like and who'll give me the joy and the attention I am always looking for.

I miss the smell of a boyfriend's chest. When I badly need a hug, sinking my face towards his chest, sniffing the smell of his shirt and feeling lump of his body.

I miss the warm breath in my neck. When you are embraced from behind and holding his hand that seems to say, don't let go yet and embrace me some more.

I miss the intimate conversation in the coffee shop. Where you can frown and smile together; steal some stare and laugh it out.

I miss the movie dates. Sharing popcorn and lemonade, hiding locked hands and miss his tight embrace until you get home together.

I miss the long torrid kisses. The kiss that keeps no inhibitions. The kiss that is full of passion, that without saying a word you exchanged I Love You's.

I miss the mushy text messages. The lingering I Love You's in your inbox, the morning greeting and the late good nights.

I miss a little of the arguments. When you both try to untangle some differences, ends with a compromise and getting used to new ways that works for the both of you. Make a little sacrifice and be happy with it.

I miss the cute planning together. Imagining big dreams in the early stage of your relationship and the drive it gives you as you make them come true together.

I miss being envied. Because your friends know you are happy.

I miss the proud feeling. That, mama will know him soon.

I miss the intimate dates. The us, the ours, the you and me and the contentment it brings to me.

I was about to go and end my day at a weird 5am. I decided to fax two more documents for my productivity and then I found my desk with a KitKat White on it.

It reminds me of someone and some others.

Thanks Generous!

So, congratulations to me. I only had half a tab this weekend. If only I have money to spend, I could have dropped more than a half. So, I guess I'm not yet changed at all.

Point five blue mushroom. The hits was there, somehow. With a lil help of my good friend inhaler, with eyes closed you still feel the my-head-is-rising feeling. A lil gag to heighten the hits, palpitation, deep breaths, REM and I am a bit solved for the day.

I hadn't had what I usually drop. It was lame but somehow a lil fun! The tab was only free, a generous friend just surprisingly asked if I like, then the hell I have no second thoughts. I grabbed the pill, and bit it into half but technically 3/4 to be exact.

The tab isn't exactly how it actually looks like. The color in the picture is somewhat reddish with hints of blue. The one I took was all blue but marked exactly the same. Check out cool tabs at www.ecstacydata.org.

I watched The Tyra Banks Show today and I saw this girl, her name is Merissa; addicted to cocaine, methampethamine, Xanax, Valium and marijuana because she is afraid to get fat.

"I would rather die than be fat."

I felt sorry for her and for myself too. Shortly I realized that I went through a stage when I so enjoyed the fact that I am losing weight. And, that was when I started using ecstacy. I lost my tummy so fast I that I didn't even notice. No sweat plus the fun! I thought of not stopping to maintain my weight and even shed more pounds.

Until I saw people's looks like saying I am very ugly already. The feeling of rejection made me realize that I was losing weight way too much. I look unhealthy, weak and sickly. In fact, I catch colds and cough every now and then. I just recently developed sensitivity in my eyes which gets me red eyes every Sunday morning after the partee. So uncool.

Things aren't really going so well, so... wish me luck!

I never thought that ever in my lifetime I will use drugs. In fact, I despised drugs in any form before. But I'm an addict now, worshiping drugs and ready to starve just for it. Spend my last cent for a hit, and spend more than what I earn.

Using ecstasy for seven months now, you can see a huge difference in me. My thinking, my lifestyle, my appearance... and it makes me sad everytime.

Ecstacy is made of MDMA. A drug, C11H15NO2, that is chemically related to amphetamine and mescaline and is used illicitly for its euphoric and hallucinogenic effects. It reduces inhibitions and was formerly used in psychotherapy but has been banned already.

Ecstacy in the Philippines has been quite widespread in the night scene. Most gay clubs and even straight-dominated underground clubs have recently sprung out and has been the fad. Partyphiles are wide-smiled knowing these clubs multiplying. And, I'm one of them. Manhattan and Club Government along Makati Avenue. Warehouse 135 along Yakal St., Makati. Club O and Bed in Malate and Embassy at the Fort. These are just some of them.

I'm more close to Club Government. I think I have already rooted in this bar. It is like my second home already. It is where I spend most of my weekends. It is where I get to hang out all my partee friends, not just partee friends but friends getting dear and significant to me. It is where I satisfy my social life. It is where I am getting to know more about my self. It is where I learn some things about living and see the other face of life. Without Club Government, I am lacking. My life right now has been, 40% work and 60% Club Government and ecstacy.

I know my growth is skewed to where I shouldn't be more skewed to, but I know life doesn't end here, who knows my life has just got started.

I have already been planning to stop, quit smoking and stop or at least minimize partee-ing.

More or less, I have spent more than P50,000.00 on drugs -- ecstacy, ketamine, etc. I could have bought clothes or gave it to my parents. But my addiction is stronger than me.

When you are in it, you will know "different" people and you will find them very interesting. You wanna be like them or at least identified with them. However, the searching and amazement never stops. You will continuously find even more interesting people and you will use drugs because you want to be with them, know them more, and create relationship. And, you can never find any good way but to partee with them.

February 17, 2007 during the Bigfish HedKandi was the first time I popped. It was fantastic. It was full of fun, of new friends and new discovery. I felt that I'm already someone new, more interesting and a step higher than normal beings.

Then, I have been losing weight. I didn't mind hitting the scale but my appearance will definitely suggest bulimia, anorexia, starvation, South Africa, or simply an addict... very Hollywood. I was at first enthralled since I wanna lose my beer tummy. It's gone now, and my cheeks too.

I never fail to get "OMG! You are very skinny!" everyday. And, it no longer sounds flattering. It is more, alarming. I guess because when they say it infront of my face, they're like disgusted. I bet, I'm already a screaming "addict faggot" in the workplace. As much as I wanna keep it discreet but my appearance suggests otherwise. As a matter of fact, while writing this post my manager concernedly remarked," Ang payat payat mo na !" (You are very thin.)

Now, my self-worth is depreciating. I'm struggling.