Oct 2008

Not my year… totally not my year.

I reap the wastes of my negligence and my stupid charade. I suffer extremely. I almost give up. But hey, I still stand. I recollect, introspect, rationalize and realize all my misfortunes and shortcomings. I had a blast of shameful demeanors and inglorious habits in my 2007. It is payback time.

Am I ready? Not really, but I will make it through.

The year is almost over and I am very positive that my 2009 will be a different one. I will become more responsible, more reasonable, wiser, braver and better.

I know I am resilient, so I don’t worry if I cry. I am capable of bringing back the balance as the new year commences. I stand strong.

I will be stronger for myself, for my family and for the people who look up to me. I will inspire them more and will continuously do so.

I am Juber, and I will fight.

I have trust issues. I don’t trust the people around me anymore. I always think that I am at the losing side. I am the deceived, the unwanted and the least important.

Only sometimes, I am awarded with a little consolation. They befriend me, the euphemize (a lot), they think I am very fragile and has very puny threshold to criticism, anger, rejection and blunt confrontation. And, I think I am.

I feel that I now control only a meager part of my sanity. I am a big fat paranoid. I am always scared, I am always helpless. Those situations that I thought I have survived from are in absoluteness, irrelevant and shallow.

Why do I think of myself this way? I still want to do a lot of things, especially good ones. I want to do things that could make a positive change; a change that is visible in the many; something worthwhile and truly noble. However, am I really capable of executing such desires? Do I have the capability and the strength? I think of myself so feebly. My self-regard is beyond the abyss of the pit of inferiority. And, I can’t help it.

Am I insane? I don’t want to go crazy. I still want to do good deeds. But, how am I going to carry those things out if my sanity has given up? How?

I will pray to God, that He will give me enough courage and confidence to continue with my life righteously. I want to do it; I am very eager and passionate.

So help me God. Help me realize that these are just trials. Help me believe that I am still capable, and I still can fight.

Shet. Ang ho-hot pala ng mga firemen. Kaya siguro ang daming movies and calendars with them in it. So, October 18, 2008 I was able to experience how to be a fire fighter. Goodness, it was very robustly virile. But, do not underestimate me, despite my vey petite frame, I can be surprisingly manly, you can ask, I could give you my references. Hehehe.

Our instructors were “salivatingly” tall, dark and so masculine. They taught us how to properly use a fire extinguisher and taught us the differences between different fire extinguishers. I didn’t know that fire extinguishers come in different colors, and can specifically extinguish different classes of fire. Fire by the way are classified into four kinds, and they are called class A, B, C and D. I already forgot the differences, but I learned that the green tank is the best; it can extinguish all sorts of fire and is environment friendly.

This is me in action. Bagay ba? Baklang fireman. Hehehe.

But girls, here is the best part. Na-try niyo na bang mag-rappel? It was the best. I rappelled down from the 6th floor of the Pacific Star Building. Hanep to the nth level. Tingnan niyo ako o. Hehehe.

One thing I didn’t like about it though is that, felix bakat kung felix bakat girl. Pero keri, may mas bakat pa sa aken. Parang may fetus na nakalambitin. Pero siyempre, dapat kunware kebs, but girl, the sight was dirturbingly lingering. Sayang di ko napicturan si kuya.

Another interesting thing, firemen breathe from the nozzle of the fire hose. When the room gets smoky and the fire consumes all the oxygen in the room, the oxygen released from the pressurized water is the one they inhale to be able to breathe. Look at this picture, guess what, I'm breathing the fireman's musk. Sarap!

Ito yong fireman, ang name niya ay si Vic. Yong nasa far right. Go titig go!

Haay! I have a problem. I am again torn between two guys. Please don't call me a flirt. Hehehe. I need your advice because this is giving me a lot of stress already. Gosh.

Guy 1. I knew him from a friend, a different kind of friend. He is 27 and works as an accountant in a bank. His family is in the United States and his living with friends here. We were dating for a month now, like regularly. And because I'm always broke, so he spends most of the time. I hate it, but broke lang talaga ako. Hindi naman pwedeng magpanggap na marame akong pera, mahirap din yon. Haaay... At first I didn't really like this guy so much, but when he, out of the blue invited me to go to Baguio one Friday night. We were at Rufo's with my officemates, I was so thrilled and flattered. He is one heck of a spontaneous guy, and I so like it. The Baguio trip was to die for, I had a lot of fun. He was the most caring and the sweetest guy in the face of the planet. Damn it! I was like a little girl, haaay… nakaka-melt. Talagang feeling ko babae lang ako. He is all the way straight acting, he dresses up so well, smells so good, speaks English well and he doesn’t like to fight. So perfect, although he is not that really good looking, but he is presentable if you know what I mean. HINDI SIYA PANGIT, ok!

Guy 2. I met him last night at O Bar. Gosh! He is good looking, super cute and also very manly. I actually thought he is not going to text me at all, but he did, in fact, he keeps on telling me to take care of myself. Which I asked, why the hell does he keep on telling me to take care of myself. I wondered if I look careless, but he said, “You don’t look careless, you look fragile.” He is 22, and is working in a call center. I think he is funny and I think he is a top. Hmm… When we were at the bar, I was so drunk I was kissing another guy and dancing with him when I saw guy 2 staring back at me, and after some few more stares are some snickers and then a hi-my-name-is-Juber. So I left the other not so significant guy in the corner. And we talked and talked and I said, “Why don’t you kiss me?” I was drunk , ok. He said, “I wanna kiss you when you are sober.” HUH?! Kinikilig naman puke ko. He doesn’t smoke. For now, yon lang ang alam ko sa kanya. Sabi niya, for sure I am going to see him again and he said he wants to be with me.

I’m so confused. Minsan, sabay sabay pa magtext si guy 1 at si guy 2. What should I do?