Nov 2008

Hi December. Welcome!

I am not ok. Again, crying… Why is it so hard to love? Or, even to figure out myself? Who am I? My relationships are wrecks because I don’t know what I want and I don’t know sometimes if I am even capable.

I’m crying about Guy 1. Is this karma? It was my sub-conscious plan to play with him. Keep it real and tough, make him beg for monogamy, but look at me now… I am crying… I am hurting…

Do I love Guy 1? At the time when, maybe, I am going to lose him? I am not ready… I have been hurting Guy 1 and now he is full of my shit.

He walked out on me, expressed all his dismay. I have been complaining to myself that I am always frustrated. Or, was I just expecting too much? I have been a bitch. I was in my bitchiest. I thought he is just disposable. But, he isn’t.

Now I’m hurting. Now I’m crying. Now I’m confused. I am so pathetic.

Look at me… All by myself… Emotional… Sipping a tall glass of vodka. I am hurting myself. I am just helpless. I have no one now… I am alone.

I just checked my phone… He texted… He said, “Sleep tyt babe luv u…” I don’t know what to say anymore… Sobbing is all that I can do. It seems like the only thing that I am capable of right now. I didn’t know that I have these lots of tears to cry.

Maybe he doesn’t realize how I am hurting right now.

Yey! I have a 2009 Starbucks Planner already. I got it as a gift for my birthday. Paul gave it to me. No matter how, in a way, hated, in a way, my birthday I got one of the things that I want this year on my birthday.

It was Pope Clement 1 day in the Roman Catholic Calendar of Saints; Alexander Nevsky's feast day in the Russian Orthodox Church; St. George's Day in Georgia; Kinro kansha no hi (Labour Thanksgiving Day) in Japan; Rudolf Maister Day in Slovenia; and it was my BIRTHDAY yesterday! How time runs fast. Look at my BIRTHDAY last year.

It turned out well, not that totally eventful. I had to ask people to greet me. I had to ask people to have a drink with me. I had to ask for everything. But, nevertheless, I am grateful that it didn't become a total disaster. But, I didn't get a cake, I didn't get a massive greeting, and I didn't get that much presents. All in all, it was ok.

I woke up at 11 p.m., the day before and I felt a very lonely. So I went to Timog to meet Paul and some friends. We went to a bar called "Butterfly" owned by one of Paul's friends and there was a fight so we ended early. I thought, I only finished a bottle so I invited them to go to Malate and I finished another 3 bottles of beer at O Bar. Guy 1 and Guy 2 were there.

Cliff cooked "tinolang manok" after we woke up. It was sumptuous. In the afternoon, I went to church with Paul. I prayed and thanked Him for another wonderful year. Then we watched a movie, "Burn After Reading" at Greenbelt 3. I know it was funny and maybe it could have been interesting if I didn't fall asleep. Maybe because of my medication. I was sick on my birthday. But, I ate, for the first time, a "Beach Muscle" hotdog. It was yummy.

I am 25 and I don't feel young anymore. I thought I experienced a sudden paradigm shift. I thought I view life so differently now. I saw this rent-to-own condo unit for 7K monthly amortization through Pag-ibig with a 30-year term and I can't believe I spent a generous amount of time thinking, if should get myself a condo unit already. I thought I am really getting old.

Although, I thank God for those people who had really find time to greet me. You all made my day! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Happy Birthday to Me.