Health and Medicine

Hay naku.... nakakapagod nang mag-adik. Pero gow pa rin ako ng gow! Kanina lang, nag in-house kame... umuwe akong may amats at pumasok sa trabahong umaamats pa. Nakakaloka. Kung ibebenta ako, ang mura mura ko nalang.

Nalaman ko ngayon sa opisina na marame pa lang nagtatanong kung sino si parteeboi. I'm sure iba sa inyo may idea na, pero believe it or not, I intentionally made this blog as an outlet of expressing my sadness when I crash. And, I want to tell it to strangers, to people who don't know me. Alam mo naman ako pag nagkwento mej graphic and brutally honest. Hindi ako creative writer, gusto ko lang talagang magblog about my addiction on ecstacy. I find it very interesting e. Me myself, I didn't see myself before as a potential drug addict. May isang friend nga ako dati, narinig kong nag-jutes super pangungutya ang inabot niya saken.

Alam niyo, for some reasons... When I took ecstacy, I felt previledged to have the wisdom of how it is like and what life can be if you are using it. I feel a little knowledgeable about life. Hay... mga TH (tamang hinala) ng isang adik.

Just in case, sa mga iba diyan who needs some little advise... I'd be happy to share mine. But of course, there are people out there who are more experienced than me.

Girl, hinay hinay lang...

I watched The Tyra Banks Show today and I saw this girl, her name is Merissa; addicted to cocaine, methampethamine, Xanax, Valium and marijuana because she is afraid to get fat.

"I would rather die than be fat."

I felt sorry for her and for myself too. Shortly I realized that I went through a stage when I so enjoyed the fact that I am losing weight. And, that was when I started using ecstacy. I lost my tummy so fast I that I didn't even notice. No sweat plus the fun! I thought of not stopping to maintain my weight and even shed more pounds.

Until I saw people's looks like saying I am very ugly already. The feeling of rejection made me realize that I was losing weight way too much. I look unhealthy, weak and sickly. In fact, I catch colds and cough every now and then. I just recently developed sensitivity in my eyes which gets me red eyes every Sunday morning after the partee. So uncool.

Things aren't really going so well, so... wish me luck!

I have already been planning to stop, quit smoking and stop or at least minimize partee-ing.

More or less, I have spent more than P50,000.00 on drugs -- ecstacy, ketamine, etc. I could have bought clothes or gave it to my parents. But my addiction is stronger than me.

When you are in it, you will know "different" people and you will find them very interesting. You wanna be like them or at least identified with them. However, the searching and amazement never stops. You will continuously find even more interesting people and you will use drugs because you want to be with them, know them more, and create relationship. And, you can never find any good way but to partee with them.

February 17, 2007 during the Bigfish HedKandi was the first time I popped. It was fantastic. It was full of fun, of new friends and new discovery. I felt that I'm already someone new, more interesting and a step higher than normal beings.

Then, I have been losing weight. I didn't mind hitting the scale but my appearance will definitely suggest bulimia, anorexia, starvation, South Africa, or simply an addict... very Hollywood. I was at first enthralled since I wanna lose my beer tummy. It's gone now, and my cheeks too.

I never fail to get "OMG! You are very skinny!" everyday. And, it no longer sounds flattering. It is more, alarming. I guess because when they say it infront of my face, they're like disgusted. I bet, I'm already a screaming "addict faggot" in the workplace. As much as I wanna keep it discreet but my appearance suggests otherwise. As a matter of fact, while writing this post my manager concernedly remarked," Ang payat payat mo na !" (You are very thin.)

Now, my self-worth is depreciating. I'm struggling.