Educational

Minsan, I confided with a friend, regarding a problem I was currently having with another friend of mine.

Happy-go-lucky daw ako, sabi saken ng isang friend ko. Then I asked him, is it bad being happy-go-lucky? Then he said, no.

I'm confused. When he said that I was wrong because I was being happy-go-lucky, I had an impression na, maybe, I did not care much towards my other friend. And I thought that I should be more involved.

One time, another friend of mine told me that I fear commitment. Be it friendship or in a romantic relationship. Di na ako napag-isip and I agreed with his thoughts immediately. Oo, baka nga, kasi napansin ko na everytime I am in a problematic situation with a person, and lalu na kung parate nalang problema if I'm with that person, I tend to space myself from that person. Happy-go-lucky. And when I feel obliged to do something against my will by that person, I lose interest. I fear commitment.

Naniniwala ako na happiness is a decision. So, I am trying to apply it to myself. Everyday, when there is a posing problem, I always ask myself where and how will I feel happier? Kalabanin ang agos? O? Sabyan muna ito? Pero siyempre, without compromising our moral set of standards.

Iba-iba talaga ang tao. Iba-iba kasi ang mga pinanggalingan naten, iba-iba ang mga kasawian, iba-ibang ang lakas at kahinaan at iba-iba ang hanap. Pero, bakit tila mas marameng "ok lang" saken? Yong tipong pag eto ginawa saken, or sinabe saken, or pag ganitong eksena nasaksihan ko, e "ok lang." Yong tipong, it might bother me pero kayang-kaya kong palampasin na walang issue o ano man, para iwas away lang. Iwas galit. Kasi mahirap magkaroon ng galit at kagalet, di ba? Akala ko cool yon. Na, I'm a cool person. Minsa nga napuri akong "nice person" kasi wala akong kakeme-keme, walang ka-issue-issue. Pero now, andame na, e wala naman nagbago saken. Nagbago lang, iba na ang mga kasama ko palage, iba na ang mga nakakausap ko palage, at iba na ang mundo ko. Sobrang iba na.

Sa totoo lang, namimiss ko na talaga ang dati kong sarili. Yong sariling, paggising sa umage e nakkaalimutan na ang galit ng kahapon. Ngayon, ang daming galit sa puso ko, ang dami kasing taong nagbibigay ng mga dahilan para maramdaman ko ang mga galit na 'to. Siguro may mali akong pinsasukan o may mali akong pinakisamahan. Mali man o tama, alam ko, may mga rason sila at dahilan.

Bata pa ako at marame pang malalaman at matututunan. Sa mga taong makakasama ko, nakasamam, naiwan at maiiwan. Salamat at bahagi kayo ng buhay ko.

I just found out that a dotcom manager called my sleeping supervisor, woke her up just to tell her that I was surfing last night.

Who isn't? I'm sure you surfed last night too. I saw your monitor. You have a lot going on wrong with your lares and penates.

Peace!

FYI. You still owe me a hundred bucks.

I've been feeling down and low for 3 days now. An instant sad face in the afternoon is not anymore unusual to start my day.

I can't really think and write a fun article for my blog. I am thinking that I am going to write something fun about my weekend, but no matter how I condition myself, I just can't. Like, how I repeatedly condition my self that taking all these demanding escalation calls is going to be fun and interesting. However, I can hear in my voice how I effortly drag my energy. My throat is really starting to be painful although I am speaking as soft so my customers had to ask me significantly a lot of times to repeat myself.

Isn't that irritating? I am really trying to sound dynamic, polite and confident but they tend to really drag me down everytime they say... "I'm sorry?" "Can you repeat what you just said?" "What did you say?"

I just wanna flush myself down my chair and just be gone. Sigh!

Today in the office, I had my usual "yosi" time with Ashley, he mentioned that White Dog gives me a bad after - effect. I remember the last time, that was Ministry of Sound, I took 2 tabs of White Dog that night and 2 of another kind. If I remember it right, it was Green Capricorn. I was in an inhouse and twelve hours later, I can't help grinding and gritting my teeth , I was yelling like an angry crazy person, looking at the empty streets from a window above the condominium unit somewhere along Valero Street. I hated everyone I saw . I yell ed at them, curse d at them. I hate d the cars, I hate d the neon signs and I so hate d the huge lyceum light sign. It seems like all the lights were sucking my eyes. Especially when I saw a red light. Imagine me like being sucked by the light and my head was pulled from my eyes, and furious. My eyes widened and my mouth opened like a crazy dog. I got home at 7 pm and I still can't calm myself down. I was rolling left and right on my bed, chasing the lights, and trying hard to feel normal. But, I just couldn't at that moment. I was still clinching my fist, stretching my legs hard, feeling tired and weak, but I still felt that crazy sensation all throughout my body. I felt like ecstacy was finally taking its toll on me and I was going to die that night .

Until I could no longer breath e . The air was not going through my lungs. I was gasping. And then I could no longer move my feet and my hands. They were turning to blue. I was just crying the whole time. I was really trying to fight for my life.

I can't die tonight , i thought to myself...

There were moments, I pause d and nothing seemed to be happening. Everything was frozen and silent, and I just observed, looking at the very silent surrounding and then suddenly feeling a pain in my chest. Then, I thought, no air. I have to breath but I don't know how. I then realized that I was not breathing the whole time. I wanted to scream for help but no words were coming out of my mouth. It was just complete silence until I tried harder and harder and shouted them all out. And I cried harder, and harder that I might die tonight.

It was 4 in the morning. I finally found calmness in my self. And, I thought I didn't die. I am still alive.

Want some White Dogs?

Tell you what, I wish to write a long story about what I had over the weekend but having to sleep for only 5 hours within almost 4 straight days would definitely dry your brain up.

Having been awake fifteen hours ago until I start work and braving to be in any way awake for another eleven hours of painstakingly nauseating call center stuff can definitely cause a huge amount of vertiginous dizzy crazy feeling.

And not to mention, the hellish sick crashing after all 7 ecstacy pills had flushed out all your serotonin.

se·ro·to·nin n.
An organic compound, C10H12N2O, formed from tryptophan and found in animal and human tissue, especially in the central nervous system, blood serum, and gastric mucous membranes. It is active as a neurotransmitter which functions thought to be regulated by nerve cells that utilize serotonin include mood elevation and behavior, physical coordination, appetite, body temperature, and sleep.

Tomorrow, I will tell the world how wonderful my weekend was. And, I am ending this post with a smile only in my head, because I can no longer manage all my subcutaneous mucles in my face to even have a grin.

Day by day, everything is seemingly becoming bad and worse. Making me feel bothered, paranoid, cynical and distant. People hate me, ignore me and I did them wrong. I feel like I am no longer my old self and I need to introspect.

I feel that the beast in me has outstood the old good self that I've been trying to keep. Then, I have good friends, good acquaintances, good workplace, and a better state of mind. Right now, things are just seemingly difficult and challenging. They are no more as undemanding as before.

I hurt my friends and thrown them words unbecomingly way forgivable. I was angry, I was dramatic and emotions were just astoundingly untamable.

On...

Me: Do you hate me?
You: Honestly, I dont know.

"I'm sorry. I've already caused you so much problem. You've been a very good friend and I'm sure you yourself know that. You exactly spoiled me too much and I abused it. Right, all I am really hoping right now is for it to pass. I feel ashamed and guilty and during these times I feel very incapable. Please forgive me if I tend to become irrational and insensitive. I guess there are just a lot of things right now that I have to work on myself and by myself. I'm sorry for all of this. Guess what, I might have more issues than those people who we thought have plenty of them."

On...

Me: I love him.
You: Stay away from him.

"I'm not mad Garfield, I knew you're going to say that... I can't blame you for being yourself... you are entitled of whatever you want to believe and even entitled to have a fair judgment towards people. I can't blame you for hurting me and spoiling my day. It is YOU, Garfield, and I will see you in a very different light if you didn't tell me to stay away from him and just let us, or at least me, happy. Nothing ever changed. You know, I appreciate it that you fight for your friends and protect them. Just don't be too busy thinking about them than your own self."

Now, I'm a wiser addict. I know when to drop more and when to stop. To make sure a good, fantastic hit. I'm sorry to have published this, I hope no one minor could read.

Observation 1. I notice during a first drop, specially when the tab is kind of questionable -- there are tabs that never fail a hit and some that are just as completely disappointing -- that even if you took the whole tab, you will not reach a full hit. There are even times when a hit doesn't come at all. Blech!

When an available tab is weak, drop initially only a half of it. It is economic and yields the same effect. Well, it is either you get a questionable hit, a hit that is going to make you question whether it was psychosomatic or real or no hits at all. The feast is when you take the FU (follow up), maybe after 2 hours. What I normally do is, I will drop the half around 3 am or 4 am and normally inhouses commence at 5 am or 6 am, then I will take the FU. That is personally tested, that you will get high and get a hit. Then, if I have more money to spend I will buy another tab, either take 'em half and half or drop it whole.

Observation 2. I got this tip from my nursing student partee buddy. She said that, specially when you are dropping one whole tab, to swallow the half and let the other half stand under your tongue, where numerous nerve endings are located plus, it is the part of the body that has the thinnest integumentary. Let the tab dissolve a bit, like letting it stand for a minute and then drink it up with Red Bull or water.

Observation 3. Red Bull. Nothing compares a bottle of Red Bull aiding to reaching a good hit.

Observation 4. Never partee when your tummy is empty. If you ate before you partee the more chances of getting a good hit. I advise, after 2 to 3 FU's to rest a little bit, eat a lot and you are ready again for a mind-blowing hits.

Observation 5. Orange Clover is the best. But right now, Pink Wand and Red Hook are the good enough. Pink Disney, well, yeah but you have to make all the necessary effects -- 1 to 2 bottles of Red Bull and/or a booze.

Observation 6. If you think the tab can't raise your hits up, then indulge in alcohol. You will appreciate it because, when you have hits though minimally appreciated, alcohol--beer, gin-- will taste like water and smoking is like the third best thing to do in the world if not the second.

Observation 7. The hits vary. A concoction of a week of good sleep and good eating pattern, half Pink Disney thrusted by a bottle of Red Bull and a cool room temperature and a whole Red Hook FU is GV! Read it again... GV! Super "duper" GV guys! I felt like I love all living things and all mankind. I can't contain my happiness that I almost wanna cry that I am uber overwhelmed. But after the hits is gone, your sadness is abysmal.

Observation 8. I can't stop it.