Philippines

You know, I'm sorry. It is time for me to tell the truth. When you started treating me nice and sweet I thought I found an opportunity to have a boyfriend. I said to myself

"Ok. You have a three-letter word. I think yours is a four-letter word and you're not at all bad-looking. Let's it give a shot."

Apparently, I didn't succeed. We're both itchy, and I didn't see that.

I never saw you with me in a long relationship. I messed up with one of your friends and so I can do it with you. I wear masks, specially to my preys. Some of our common friends know that. I should say there is one who knows me better. But we're both predators in our own ways. A negative charge and a negative charge cant create a volt.

FYI. One of my hobbies is collecting boyfriends, make use of them and cut the tie.

Hey, you're not the one I'm talking about though.

Note: This article contains only 99% truth.

I've been feeling down and low for 3 days now. An instant sad face in the afternoon is not anymore unusual to start my day.

I can't really think and write a fun article for my blog. I am thinking that I am going to write something fun about my weekend, but no matter how I condition myself, I just can't. Like, how I repeatedly condition my self that taking all these demanding escalation calls is going to be fun and interesting. However, I can hear in my voice how I effortly drag my energy. My throat is really starting to be painful although I am speaking as soft so my customers had to ask me significantly a lot of times to repeat myself.

Isn't that irritating? I am really trying to sound dynamic, polite and confident but they tend to really drag me down everytime they say... "I'm sorry?" "Can you repeat what you just said?" "What did you say?"

I just wanna flush myself down my chair and just be gone. Sigh!

Today in the office, I had my usual "yosi" time with Ashley, he mentioned that White Dog gives me a bad after - effect. I remember the last time, that was Ministry of Sound, I took 2 tabs of White Dog that night and 2 of another kind. If I remember it right, it was Green Capricorn. I was in an inhouse and twelve hours later, I can't help grinding and gritting my teeth , I was yelling like an angry crazy person, looking at the empty streets from a window above the condominium unit somewhere along Valero Street. I hated everyone I saw . I yell ed at them, curse d at them. I hate d the cars, I hate d the neon signs and I so hate d the huge lyceum light sign. It seems like all the lights were sucking my eyes. Especially when I saw a red light. Imagine me like being sucked by the light and my head was pulled from my eyes, and furious. My eyes widened and my mouth opened like a crazy dog. I got home at 7 pm and I still can't calm myself down. I was rolling left and right on my bed, chasing the lights, and trying hard to feel normal. But, I just couldn't at that moment. I was still clinching my fist, stretching my legs hard, feeling tired and weak, but I still felt that crazy sensation all throughout my body. I felt like ecstacy was finally taking its toll on me and I was going to die that night .

Until I could no longer breath e . The air was not going through my lungs. I was gasping. And then I could no longer move my feet and my hands. They were turning to blue. I was just crying the whole time. I was really trying to fight for my life.

I can't die tonight , i thought to myself...

There were moments, I pause d and nothing seemed to be happening. Everything was frozen and silent, and I just observed, looking at the very silent surrounding and then suddenly feeling a pain in my chest. Then, I thought, no air. I have to breath but I don't know how. I then realized that I was not breathing the whole time. I wanted to scream for help but no words were coming out of my mouth. It was just complete silence until I tried harder and harder and shouted them all out. And I cried harder, and harder that I might die tonight.

It was 4 in the morning. I finally found calmness in my self. And, I thought I didn't die. I am still alive.

Want some White Dogs?

Tell you what, I wish to write a long story about what I had over the weekend but having to sleep for only 5 hours within almost 4 straight days would definitely dry your brain up.

Having been awake fifteen hours ago until I start work and braving to be in any way awake for another eleven hours of painstakingly nauseating call center stuff can definitely cause a huge amount of vertiginous dizzy crazy feeling.

And not to mention, the hellish sick crashing after all 7 ecstacy pills had flushed out all your serotonin.

se·ro·to·nin n.
An organic compound, C10H12N2O, formed from tryptophan and found in animal and human tissue, especially in the central nervous system, blood serum, and gastric mucous membranes. It is active as a neurotransmitter which functions thought to be regulated by nerve cells that utilize serotonin include mood elevation and behavior, physical coordination, appetite, body temperature, and sleep.

Tomorrow, I will tell the world how wonderful my weekend was. And, I am ending this post with a smile only in my head, because I can no longer manage all my subcutaneous mucles in my face to even have a grin.

Day by day, everything is seemingly becoming bad and worse. Making me feel bothered, paranoid, cynical and distant. People hate me, ignore me and I did them wrong. I feel like I am no longer my old self and I need to introspect.

I feel that the beast in me has outstood the old good self that I've been trying to keep. Then, I have good friends, good acquaintances, good workplace, and a better state of mind. Right now, things are just seemingly difficult and challenging. They are no more as undemanding as before.

I hurt my friends and thrown them words unbecomingly way forgivable. I was angry, I was dramatic and emotions were just astoundingly untamable.

On...

Me: Do you hate me?
You: Honestly, I dont know.

"I'm sorry. I've already caused you so much problem. You've been a very good friend and I'm sure you yourself know that. You exactly spoiled me too much and I abused it. Right, all I am really hoping right now is for it to pass. I feel ashamed and guilty and during these times I feel very incapable. Please forgive me if I tend to become irrational and insensitive. I guess there are just a lot of things right now that I have to work on myself and by myself. I'm sorry for all of this. Guess what, I might have more issues than those people who we thought have plenty of them."

On...

Me: I love him.
You: Stay away from him.

"I'm not mad Garfield, I knew you're going to say that... I can't blame you for being yourself... you are entitled of whatever you want to believe and even entitled to have a fair judgment towards people. I can't blame you for hurting me and spoiling my day. It is YOU, Garfield, and I will see you in a very different light if you didn't tell me to stay away from him and just let us, or at least me, happy. Nothing ever changed. You know, I appreciate it that you fight for your friends and protect them. Just don't be too busy thinking about them than your own self."

I'm broke now. Anything like going to a night out or eating out and, or watching a movie is going to be suspended. I have to recover from my deep financial turmoil, brought about my too much partee-ing and excessive drugging. It has been two weeks already since the last time I parteed, and I feel nothing really very special with my over all state. I don't know.

But this sudden trip to Laguna has opened a lot of things, many can go crazy, or angry, or even furious, or disgusted, or hurt, or happy. Well, I got drunk and so I got out control. Every word, Voldemort-like, were uttered; most make sense and others alcohol.

So all the craziness went practically causing frantic boisterous intoxicated cachinnation. All the snicker and snigger, titter, chuckle and chortle, ha-ha, haw-haw, hee-haw and all the gagging, the night was filled with so much liberation.

Until a sudden drama sprouted between me and Ashley. And I'd rather not mention it here. Then I resented that I said too much wrong things that emotions just flared up and I cried. I turned into this sobbing kid begging for forgiveness. It was awful.

Until he came into my rescue. I hope this won't cause too many raised eye browse and rejection. I blurted a secret to the person I have a thing for.

"Are you ok? Are you crying?"

"No. I'm not crying. I'm ok."

"I think you cried."

"No. I didn't cry."

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"You! You better be careful because I like you."

"What did you just said?"

"I didn't say anything."

"No. You just said something."

"It will only humiliate me."

And, I ran.

I was thinking I might end up messing up with another nice person again. I thought he is delicate and fragile that I have to have it right. That is why I was so careful with my actions and reserved. I was careful with my words and talked less. We held hands, we talked about some close to intimate kind of stuff, we hugged, PDA'd a bit, sung song to each other, hiding meshing hands underneath the sheets, and so who-lied-whose-head-on-whose-shoulder. I don't know really if those has anything to mean to him, but I know, at least, it has to me.

I already anticipated that many might hate me, and other might meddle belligerently but the action was made, yet undone. If this answers someone's problem, then, by whatever motive therein underlies, if the feeling is mutual and strong enough to conquer, then now I'm standing in the brink of the battle field.

It's funny enough I found a pirated DVD copy at Pier. Pier is a place in Manila famous for second hand, Japanese junk appliances. They sell Sony TV's 24" wide flat screen for P4,000.00, washing machines, etc. I was there to accompany Kuya CC and Camdyn who bought their own Fukuda DVD players that day.

Going back to the movie. It has been my hobby and my ability is uncanny, to find and collect crystal clear pirated DVD's. I bumped into this very small stall right at the center of the Pier emporium. There wasn't too many good and new films so I delved into these indies. And, got myself a copy of Shortbus. I have no idea at first what was it like, until my libido hundred-percently approved of buying the cd when I saw the trailer. I saw penis.

So right away, I watched the movie as soon as I got home. I thought it was pornographic. I remember the stories about the movies during the Martial Law period in the Philippines. Like the famous Jacklyn Jose got really fucked in the silver screen. Yes, Sook-Yin Lee got fucked too by her live in partner played by Raphael Berker, he is a hotty Justin Timberlacious look-alike. Oh! Penis and vagina is all over the place.

As it seems to sound, the movie tackles about sex, homosexuality, lesbianism, sexual perversions and sexual dysfunctions, as I see it. The film is even more enriched by characters and plot as described, "A sex therapist who has never had an orgasm, a dominatrix who is unable to connect, a gay couple who are deciding whether to open up their relationship, and the people who weave in and out of their lives, all converge on a weekly gathering called Shortbus: a mad nexus of art, music, politics and polysexual carnality."

We all have big problems and small problems. Problems that are oftentimes forgotten, linger from time to time; bite us hard; hit us good; we keep them and share them; we breakdown then we rise; we face them and we get love or criticism; we seek for answers in any way-- from the most conventional to the cliff of all freakishness; and lucky enough to have sought permanent solutions or just the temporaries.

I myself really enjoyed the film, the story, the issues it touches, the social minorities involved, the wit, the nudity and not to mention the actors.

Sook-Yin Lee

Jay Brannan

Paul Dawson

OJ DeBoy

Raphael Barker

Peter Stickles

Check out www.shortbusthemovie.com. Indulge yourself with the nicely made website, photos, readings, downloads, abouts and forums.

Here are some quotables:

On orgy.

The orgy portrayed in the film is an experimental utopian art orgy/fantasy; do you think this is possible in today's world, and have you experienced any real-life situations like this?

moderatrix
Administrator

oh they exsist...

you have to have a very exclusive membership to be able to participate, regular std checks, the whole deal. and itll cost you an arm and a leg at the right place. if its 'free' then its not safe.

Williamo86
Junior Member

On nudity.

I think that shortbus is a wonderful film..with its nudity I felt clooser to the cast, their feelings, their fears..now I have more self-knowlegde.
who think that it's a porno, it's an unfeeling person!!!
with my parents I talked about it, and I adviced to watch it. the same thing I'll do with my friends..of course!it's a cult for me!!!
the shortbus's soundtracks are very suggestive..I like them very much.

sorry, for any mistakes, but I dont speck English very well...I came from Italy

little_grace85
Junior Member

I love nudity in films. I would like to see more cock and man-pussy. ASAP.

Lenazoid
Junior Member