Crashing Confessions

Hay naku.... nakakapagod nang mag-adik. Pero gow pa rin ako ng gow! Kanina lang, nag in-house kame... umuwe akong may amats at pumasok sa trabahong umaamats pa. Nakakaloka. Kung ibebenta ako, ang mura mura ko nalang.

Nalaman ko ngayon sa opisina na marame pa lang nagtatanong kung sino si parteeboi. I'm sure iba sa inyo may idea na, pero believe it or not, I intentionally made this blog as an outlet of expressing my sadness when I crash. And, I want to tell it to strangers, to people who don't know me. Alam mo naman ako pag nagkwento mej graphic and brutally honest. Hindi ako creative writer, gusto ko lang talagang magblog about my addiction on ecstacy. I find it very interesting e. Me myself, I didn't see myself before as a potential drug addict. May isang friend nga ako dati, narinig kong nag-jutes super pangungutya ang inabot niya saken.

Alam niyo, for some reasons... When I took ecstacy, I felt previledged to have the wisdom of how it is like and what life can be if you are using it. I feel a little knowledgeable about life. Hay... mga TH (tamang hinala) ng isang adik.

Just in case, sa mga iba diyan who needs some little advise... I'd be happy to share mine. But of course, there are people out there who are more experienced than me.

Girl, hinay hinay lang...

People are indeed imperfect. Despite how much they try to be pleasant, patient and honest on most things, there are other people who'll still see them bad.

People indeed make mistakes. People are only human, very vulnerable to feel anger, hate, indifference and have the tendency to express exasperation in one way or another.

"Friendship is one mind in two bodies." Mencius is lucky to have pondered on this thought, and to have found a friend as he define it, or burdened to have found a friend whose interests and point of views differ from yours and judges you almost everytime.

Correct me if I'm wrong, sometimes you need a person who'll only listen because time will come that you are going to seek for their advise. But there are people who, could be just overconcerned, who will generalize you as a person, tag you, and you respect it, and you think of giving some time for yourself to think about its legitimacy, but they unstopably resort to moralize you and in turn demoralize you. And you found yourself sunken, and with your thin threshold, you can't help it but hate the person for sucking all the patience in you.

I guess, the other party can't relate to your state of being. You humble yourself, and think that you might be a little immature and incapable for his way of thinking and wisdom. So, you refrain from confiding to that person, think of things your way, find another person's thought, who could instead inspire you to correct your mistakes and tell you his objections not in a harsh way.

Filling a bottle is different from filling a glass. We have to be sensitive enough to see the difference between the two. But people are different from each other, and so you keep your cool, as much as you can. Specially if you cannot handle confrontations well. Just do what you think is right, and observe what the other person is saying to be the right thing to do and both learn from each other by your examples.

"I learn most things from my friends. I thank them for keeping their cool, accepting me as what I am, and pep me when I'm ready and I ask for it. I've seen a lot of positive things in them so I apply it to myself"

"I guess, I have become almost like them, non-confrontational, no whims, no drama, just being oneself and keeping not to offend anyone. But I'm not saying that I don't and didn't offend anyone anymore at all. I know I have a lot of rooms for improvement, and sometimes offend a person without me knowing it. Johari still speaks true to me and I guess to everyone else."

Of course, you appreciate all his concern and value all the things that you shared. But sometimes, you get tired but it doesn't mean to say that you are leaving. Personal differences has been at the same time a blessing and a challenge. A blessing to be able to enjoy what you desire without conflict and a challenge to understand the unacceptable and the unbecoming. Despite your differences, you know there is still a thing called compromising. You may not be the same exact person, and has contradicting points but you don't have to end and forget what you've already built. Friendship is a thing shared by at least two individuals, so you don't lose your individuality. On the other hand, in one way or another, similarity in interests and closeness in beliefs indeed bond two people, but, uniformity in all things and aspects loses the color and dimishes the meaning.

You know, I'm sorry. It is time for me to tell the truth. When you started treating me nice and sweet I thought I found an opportunity to have a boyfriend. I said to myself

"Ok. You have a three-letter word. I think yours is a four-letter word and you're not at all bad-looking. Let's it give a shot."

Apparently, I didn't succeed. We're both itchy, and I didn't see that.

I never saw you with me in a long relationship. I messed up with one of your friends and so I can do it with you. I wear masks, specially to my preys. Some of our common friends know that. I should say there is one who knows me better. But we're both predators in our own ways. A negative charge and a negative charge cant create a volt.

FYI. One of my hobbies is collecting boyfriends, make use of them and cut the tie.

Hey, you're not the one I'm talking about though.

Note: This article contains only 99% truth.

I've been feeling down and low for 3 days now. An instant sad face in the afternoon is not anymore unusual to start my day.

I can't really think and write a fun article for my blog. I am thinking that I am going to write something fun about my weekend, but no matter how I condition myself, I just can't. Like, how I repeatedly condition my self that taking all these demanding escalation calls is going to be fun and interesting. However, I can hear in my voice how I effortly drag my energy. My throat is really starting to be painful although I am speaking as soft so my customers had to ask me significantly a lot of times to repeat myself.

Isn't that irritating? I am really trying to sound dynamic, polite and confident but they tend to really drag me down everytime they say... "I'm sorry?" "Can you repeat what you just said?" "What did you say?"

I just wanna flush myself down my chair and just be gone. Sigh!

Today in the office, I had my usual "yosi" time with Ashley, he mentioned that White Dog gives me a bad after - effect. I remember the last time, that was Ministry of Sound, I took 2 tabs of White Dog that night and 2 of another kind. If I remember it right, it was Green Capricorn. I was in an inhouse and twelve hours later, I can't help grinding and gritting my teeth , I was yelling like an angry crazy person, looking at the empty streets from a window above the condominium unit somewhere along Valero Street. I hated everyone I saw . I yell ed at them, curse d at them. I hate d the cars, I hate d the neon signs and I so hate d the huge lyceum light sign. It seems like all the lights were sucking my eyes. Especially when I saw a red light. Imagine me like being sucked by the light and my head was pulled from my eyes, and furious. My eyes widened and my mouth opened like a crazy dog. I got home at 7 pm and I still can't calm myself down. I was rolling left and right on my bed, chasing the lights, and trying hard to feel normal. But, I just couldn't at that moment. I was still clinching my fist, stretching my legs hard, feeling tired and weak, but I still felt that crazy sensation all throughout my body. I felt like ecstacy was finally taking its toll on me and I was going to die that night .

Until I could no longer breath e . The air was not going through my lungs. I was gasping. And then I could no longer move my feet and my hands. They were turning to blue. I was just crying the whole time. I was really trying to fight for my life.

I can't die tonight , i thought to myself...

There were moments, I pause d and nothing seemed to be happening. Everything was frozen and silent, and I just observed, looking at the very silent surrounding and then suddenly feeling a pain in my chest. Then, I thought, no air. I have to breath but I don't know how. I then realized that I was not breathing the whole time. I wanted to scream for help but no words were coming out of my mouth. It was just complete silence until I tried harder and harder and shouted them all out. And I cried harder, and harder that I might die tonight.

It was 4 in the morning. I finally found calmness in my self. And, I thought I didn't die. I am still alive.

Want some White Dogs?

Tell you what, I wish to write a long story about what I had over the weekend but having to sleep for only 5 hours within almost 4 straight days would definitely dry your brain up.

Having been awake fifteen hours ago until I start work and braving to be in any way awake for another eleven hours of painstakingly nauseating call center stuff can definitely cause a huge amount of vertiginous dizzy crazy feeling.

And not to mention, the hellish sick crashing after all 7 ecstacy pills had flushed out all your serotonin.

se·ro·to·nin n.
An organic compound, C10H12N2O, formed from tryptophan and found in animal and human tissue, especially in the central nervous system, blood serum, and gastric mucous membranes. It is active as a neurotransmitter which functions thought to be regulated by nerve cells that utilize serotonin include mood elevation and behavior, physical coordination, appetite, body temperature, and sleep.

Tomorrow, I will tell the world how wonderful my weekend was. And, I am ending this post with a smile only in my head, because I can no longer manage all my subcutaneous mucles in my face to even have a grin.