Crashing Confessions

Day by day, everything is seemingly becoming bad and worse. Making me feel bothered, paranoid, cynical and distant. People hate me, ignore me and I did them wrong. I feel like I am no longer my old self and I need to introspect.

I feel that the beast in me has outstood the old good self that I've been trying to keep. Then, I have good friends, good acquaintances, good workplace, and a better state of mind. Right now, things are just seemingly difficult and challenging. They are no more as undemanding as before.

I hurt my friends and thrown them words unbecomingly way forgivable. I was angry, I was dramatic and emotions were just astoundingly untamable.

On...

Me: Do you hate me?
You: Honestly, I dont know.

"I'm sorry. I've already caused you so much problem. You've been a very good friend and I'm sure you yourself know that. You exactly spoiled me too much and I abused it. Right, all I am really hoping right now is for it to pass. I feel ashamed and guilty and during these times I feel very incapable. Please forgive me if I tend to become irrational and insensitive. I guess there are just a lot of things right now that I have to work on myself and by myself. I'm sorry for all of this. Guess what, I might have more issues than those people who we thought have plenty of them."

On...

Me: I love him.
You: Stay away from him.

"I'm not mad Garfield, I knew you're going to say that... I can't blame you for being yourself... you are entitled of whatever you want to believe and even entitled to have a fair judgment towards people. I can't blame you for hurting me and spoiling my day. It is YOU, Garfield, and I will see you in a very different light if you didn't tell me to stay away from him and just let us, or at least me, happy. Nothing ever changed. You know, I appreciate it that you fight for your friends and protect them. Just don't be too busy thinking about them than your own self."

I'm broke now. Anything like going to a night out or eating out and, or watching a movie is going to be suspended. I have to recover from my deep financial turmoil, brought about my too much partee-ing and excessive drugging. It has been two weeks already since the last time I parteed, and I feel nothing really very special with my over all state. I don't know.

But this sudden trip to Laguna has opened a lot of things, many can go crazy, or angry, or even furious, or disgusted, or hurt, or happy. Well, I got drunk and so I got out control. Every word, Voldemort-like, were uttered; most make sense and others alcohol.

So all the craziness went practically causing frantic boisterous intoxicated cachinnation. All the snicker and snigger, titter, chuckle and chortle, ha-ha, haw-haw, hee-haw and all the gagging, the night was filled with so much liberation.

Until a sudden drama sprouted between me and Ashley. And I'd rather not mention it here. Then I resented that I said too much wrong things that emotions just flared up and I cried. I turned into this sobbing kid begging for forgiveness. It was awful.

Until he came into my rescue. I hope this won't cause too many raised eye browse and rejection. I blurted a secret to the person I have a thing for.

"Are you ok? Are you crying?"

"No. I'm not crying. I'm ok."

"I think you cried."

"No. I didn't cry."

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"You! You better be careful because I like you."

"What did you just said?"

"I didn't say anything."

"No. You just said something."

"It will only humiliate me."

And, I ran.

I was thinking I might end up messing up with another nice person again. I thought he is delicate and fragile that I have to have it right. That is why I was so careful with my actions and reserved. I was careful with my words and talked less. We held hands, we talked about some close to intimate kind of stuff, we hugged, PDA'd a bit, sung song to each other, hiding meshing hands underneath the sheets, and so who-lied-whose-head-on-whose-shoulder. I don't know really if those has anything to mean to him, but I know, at least, it has to me.

I already anticipated that many might hate me, and other might meddle belligerently but the action was made, yet undone. If this answers someone's problem, then, by whatever motive therein underlies, if the feeling is mutual and strong enough to conquer, then now I'm standing in the brink of the battle field.

It's funny enough I found a pirated DVD copy at Pier. Pier is a place in Manila famous for second hand, Japanese junk appliances. They sell Sony TV's 24" wide flat screen for P4,000.00, washing machines, etc. I was there to accompany Kuya CC and Camdyn who bought their own Fukuda DVD players that day.

Going back to the movie. It has been my hobby and my ability is uncanny, to find and collect crystal clear pirated DVD's. I bumped into this very small stall right at the center of the Pier emporium. There wasn't too many good and new films so I delved into these indies. And, got myself a copy of Shortbus. I have no idea at first what was it like, until my libido hundred-percently approved of buying the cd when I saw the trailer. I saw penis.

So right away, I watched the movie as soon as I got home. I thought it was pornographic. I remember the stories about the movies during the Martial Law period in the Philippines. Like the famous Jacklyn Jose got really fucked in the silver screen. Yes, Sook-Yin Lee got fucked too by her live in partner played by Raphael Berker, he is a hotty Justin Timberlacious look-alike. Oh! Penis and vagina is all over the place.

As it seems to sound, the movie tackles about sex, homosexuality, lesbianism, sexual perversions and sexual dysfunctions, as I see it. The film is even more enriched by characters and plot as described, "A sex therapist who has never had an orgasm, a dominatrix who is unable to connect, a gay couple who are deciding whether to open up their relationship, and the people who weave in and out of their lives, all converge on a weekly gathering called Shortbus: a mad nexus of art, music, politics and polysexual carnality."

We all have big problems and small problems. Problems that are oftentimes forgotten, linger from time to time; bite us hard; hit us good; we keep them and share them; we breakdown then we rise; we face them and we get love or criticism; we seek for answers in any way-- from the most conventional to the cliff of all freakishness; and lucky enough to have sought permanent solutions or just the temporaries.

I myself really enjoyed the film, the story, the issues it touches, the social minorities involved, the wit, the nudity and not to mention the actors.

Sook-Yin Lee

Jay Brannan

Paul Dawson

OJ DeBoy

Raphael Barker

Peter Stickles

Check out www.shortbusthemovie.com. Indulge yourself with the nicely made website, photos, readings, downloads, abouts and forums.

Here are some quotables:

On orgy.

The orgy portrayed in the film is an experimental utopian art orgy/fantasy; do you think this is possible in today's world, and have you experienced any real-life situations like this?

moderatrix
Administrator

oh they exsist...

you have to have a very exclusive membership to be able to participate, regular std checks, the whole deal. and itll cost you an arm and a leg at the right place. if its 'free' then its not safe.

Williamo86
Junior Member

On nudity.

I think that shortbus is a wonderful film..with its nudity I felt clooser to the cast, their feelings, their fears..now I have more self-knowlegde.
who think that it's a porno, it's an unfeeling person!!!
with my parents I talked about it, and I adviced to watch it. the same thing I'll do with my friends..of course!it's a cult for me!!!
the shortbus's soundtracks are very suggestive..I like them very much.

sorry, for any mistakes, but I dont speck English very well...I came from Italy

little_grace85
Junior Member

I love nudity in films. I would like to see more cock and man-pussy. ASAP.

Lenazoid
Junior Member

I've been to this "Marlboro Red Eye Breakfast" last Saturday at Metro Phi Bar, Metrowalk Ortigas. I expected it to be an elite gathering of beautiful and famous people like seeing Angel Aquino, Phomela Beranda, Borgy Monotoc and the likes but it was only a so-so.

At least, the breakfast buffet was free. So, I ate my breakfast in Ortigas last Saturday. I got this cool, I'm not so sure if it was a special edition for the event only, metal lighter which came for free if you bought two packs of any Marlboro variant. Well, at least another social gathering for the invited only.

I was with my Daddy Donna, Mommy Cynthia, Billy, Tatay Deyk, Ninang, Darlene, Lex and Moja. I don't know if I really had fun. But, it was something not everyone has the chance to attend. So, I guess... I felt previleged.

The guys that I was with of course do partee. The music was totally BV. As in pinoy alternative and R&B. That is why no wonder Deyk didn't mind about eating and just puffed his Winston lights all the way at the lobby where the foods were arrayed. In fairness, the omelet was yummy. These guys are indeed not used with those type of music. A Whose Your Daddy could have made our day. So, after some of us finished our plates we hurriedly proceeded and claimed our souvenirs. Coolness. It's a tin cup with light brown leather cover, detailed with Marlboro insignias, like very cowboy. Not to mention the invitation. It is a circled fork, which looks like just a bracelet, and a tag with the texts on it.

So while we were outside, Deyk got himself a Starbucks and some pastries and that was his breakfast already. After a short while I decided to go and while in the taxi back to Makati my Ninang texted me that Marco came. As if I care.

Marco is my ex, period.

Now, I'm a wiser addict. I know when to drop more and when to stop. To make sure a good, fantastic hit. I'm sorry to have published this, I hope no one minor could read.

Observation 1. I notice during a first drop, specially when the tab is kind of questionable -- there are tabs that never fail a hit and some that are just as completely disappointing -- that even if you took the whole tab, you will not reach a full hit. There are even times when a hit doesn't come at all. Blech!

When an available tab is weak, drop initially only a half of it. It is economic and yields the same effect. Well, it is either you get a questionable hit, a hit that is going to make you question whether it was psychosomatic or real or no hits at all. The feast is when you take the FU (follow up), maybe after 2 hours. What I normally do is, I will drop the half around 3 am or 4 am and normally inhouses commence at 5 am or 6 am, then I will take the FU. That is personally tested, that you will get high and get a hit. Then, if I have more money to spend I will buy another tab, either take 'em half and half or drop it whole.

Observation 2. I got this tip from my nursing student partee buddy. She said that, specially when you are dropping one whole tab, to swallow the half and let the other half stand under your tongue, where numerous nerve endings are located plus, it is the part of the body that has the thinnest integumentary. Let the tab dissolve a bit, like letting it stand for a minute and then drink it up with Red Bull or water.

Observation 3. Red Bull. Nothing compares a bottle of Red Bull aiding to reaching a good hit.

Observation 4. Never partee when your tummy is empty. If you ate before you partee the more chances of getting a good hit. I advise, after 2 to 3 FU's to rest a little bit, eat a lot and you are ready again for a mind-blowing hits.

Observation 5. Orange Clover is the best. But right now, Pink Wand and Red Hook are the good enough. Pink Disney, well, yeah but you have to make all the necessary effects -- 1 to 2 bottles of Red Bull and/or a booze.

Observation 6. If you think the tab can't raise your hits up, then indulge in alcohol. You will appreciate it because, when you have hits though minimally appreciated, alcohol--beer, gin-- will taste like water and smoking is like the third best thing to do in the world if not the second.

Observation 7. The hits vary. A concoction of a week of good sleep and good eating pattern, half Pink Disney thrusted by a bottle of Red Bull and a cool room temperature and a whole Red Hook FU is GV! Read it again... GV! Super "duper" GV guys! I felt like I love all living things and all mankind. I can't contain my happiness that I almost wanna cry that I am uber overwhelmed. But after the hits is gone, your sadness is abysmal.

Observation 8. I can't stop it.

I can't exactly remember since when I got single. I can recollect, but can't find a time. I just feel like it has been too long already since the last that I was in a serious relationship, or at least I was serious. Now, every single day I am constantly hoping to find a partner. It sounds so desperate of me, but all I know this time around is that, I want a stable and serious relationship, with someone I truly like and who'll give me the joy and the attention I am always looking for.

I miss the smell of a boyfriend's chest. When I badly need a hug, sinking my face towards his chest, sniffing the smell of his shirt and feeling lump of his body.

I miss the warm breath in my neck. When you are embraced from behind and holding his hand that seems to say, don't let go yet and embrace me some more.

I miss the intimate conversation in the coffee shop. Where you can frown and smile together; steal some stare and laugh it out.

I miss the movie dates. Sharing popcorn and lemonade, hiding locked hands and miss his tight embrace until you get home together.

I miss the long torrid kisses. The kiss that keeps no inhibitions. The kiss that is full of passion, that without saying a word you exchanged I Love You's.

I miss the mushy text messages. The lingering I Love You's in your inbox, the morning greeting and the late good nights.

I miss a little of the arguments. When you both try to untangle some differences, ends with a compromise and getting used to new ways that works for the both of you. Make a little sacrifice and be happy with it.

I miss the cute planning together. Imagining big dreams in the early stage of your relationship and the drive it gives you as you make them come true together.

I miss being envied. Because your friends know you are happy.

I miss the proud feeling. That, mama will know him soon.

I miss the intimate dates. The us, the ours, the you and me and the contentment it brings to me.