Crashing Confessions

I woke up today with three shiny and huge zits on my face. I just stood up in front my mirror looking sternly at the three zits with so much fury and concern. They seemed to look like a certain constellation called "Shame." Then I caught myself teary-eyed, with no exaggeration. A pang of so much panic struck me. I've started thinking of buying a tube of Panoxyl, or a tube St. Ives Blemish Control Apricot Scrub. I thought my Clean and Clear Active Clear no longer does the trick. Simultaneously, I thought of a Pimple Treatment Facial at Let's Face It, or a P100.00 pimple shot at Forever Flawless, or see a dermatologist and spend a lot of money despite my financial plight. I was so scared.

I took my regular Landmark jeepney going to work. By the vehicle's entrance I noticed this very fair and cute guy who sat near the entranceway and thought of sitting next to him so the wind won't ruin my do. He was facing towards the front and faced towards the rear as I entered his vision. He seemed to be avoiding the sight of me.

I felt so bad about myself and I can see my self-esteem rolling on the floor. I want to pick it up but I'd rather stay motionless and feeling too conscious of getting more attention.

I rested my eyes on this yellow sticker. It says, "Jojo Binay the next president." For a second, I fleetly forgot my pimples, I was baffled with what I have just read and I was busy with my thoughts.

The idea was readily repulsing. I haven't imagined Binay ruling the country, but happy that Binay is Mayor of Makati. I never imagined anyone sitting in his seat. I thought Binay is the only Mayor Makati should ever have. The yellow sticker didn't seem to be strange at all, it is slowly making sense and finally replaced GMA with my idea of a president (of the Philippines, Obama is my ultimate idea of a president). It is not a bad idea after all. That sticker which reminds me of Cory Aquino was sold on me.

To me, my pimples represent poverty, corruption, flanking literacy, famine, unemployment, you name it. In a country full of uncertainty and skepticism, one should decide a remedy. If I will buy my self a tube of Jojo Binay to heal my pimples, I am hoping, and I am sure many are hoping too, that my pimples will disappear and will give back my face its deserved beauty to face the world with such pride and glory.

"Only Belo touches my skin. Who are you?" Rhona Parker, Gay and Friend

posted on http://www.parteeboi.blogspot.com on Thursday, February 19, 2009

http://www.parteeboi.blogspot.com

My 2008 wasn't good at all; neither had I started my 2009 right. But I am going to have a good year. It is just a matter of perspective. I have dwelt so much on my misfortunes, but I wanted to make a change this year. Why don't I make a list of all my blessings?

I am excited.

1. I went home. After two years, I saw my family again-- my mom, my dad, my sister, my grandparents, cousins and my old friends. At first it was awkward, I don't know, I have become into a different person, I felt like I am so different from them. But as I spend my last days with them, I was back to my old self. It was refreshing. Few worries, all laughs and everything seems so carefree. I miss my family so much.

2. My salary loan will be fully paid this month.

3. I am single again and I'm back to the market. Now I just need to polish the goods. It means more boys. Ahehehe.

4. I have a job and I am no longer an agent. I am now a trainer.

5. My ipod just got updated. Look at my cover flow now, they're all so pretty.

6. Another year and another chance to get better.

Hay naku. Bakit sobrang apektado ako sa lahat ng ginagawa ni Guy 1. Hindi naman ako ganito dati e. Kahit ano, go lang. Kung ayaw niya, sige… Kung gusto niya ng ganito… sige… Kung ayaw ko, ayaw ko, wala akong pakialam. Siya, lahat may ibig sabihin. Ngayon kaya, anong may ibig sabihin para sa kanya sa mga ginagawa ko? Hindi ko na mafigure out. Oo, sabi niya mahal niya ako. Huwag daw akong mag-alala. Ok. Pero hindi e, araw-araw nalang akong ganito. Parang sira, praning, sobrang praning. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I shouldn’t care much. Kung anong meron go lang, and explore. Marami nama diyang ready na magbigay sa akin ng atensyon. Pero I can’t fucking help it. Gusto ko siya, siya, siya. Siya nalang parati kong iniisip. Unfair, unfair talaga. Iniisip niya ba ako ng madalas? Naiintindihan niya ba kung gaano kahirap ‘tong nararamdaman ko? Or, does he even know na nahihirapan ako?

Napaka-insecure ko. I should be secure about myself. It is one thing I am looking for a partner. Yong tipong, kahit anong sitwasyon, he knows that I am just around, and I will not wander around. Bakit di ko na kayang gawin yon? Well, siguro kaya ko naman, kaya lang bakit nahihirapan na akong magcare less? Why the hell I care a fucking lot?

Bwisit. Lintik talaga yang pag-ibig na yan. Bwisit. Bakit di nalang ako gawing masaya? Ang daming beses ko nang nasaktan. P ng I di mo na ba ako tatantanan? Ano pa bang kailangan kong matutunan? Pakshet lang talaga. Bwisit.

I don’t know anymore if I could ever bring back the old Guy 1. He has been less thoughtful and less needy of me. It is painful.

Guess what. I am doomed. I have fallen in love, to Guy 1. But the big question is does he love me as much? I have been trying to decipher the big mystery lately, but I am until now unsuccessful. I don’t want to think that am just denying that Guy 1 doesn’t really love me. I don’t know if I can handle that right now. I have been in pain and so I am giving my heart its truly deserved slack.

We finally went out after a big quarrel, two weeks of not seeing Guy 1. It is frustrating, but I don’t want to be hurt right now, not now. So I am just painstakingly savoring myself with the little love and attention that Guy 1 is giving me. I never ever thought that I am going to end up like this, with Guy 1. With Guy 1, everything is so unpredictable. You will never know the right time for almost everything. At the start, I expressively confessed to him that I am not in any way interested with his commitment. But it didn’t shut him down

It was like that for 3 months. But fate has its very playful way of making one person realize the truth. I only realized that Guy 1 is not just some guy, when I finally saw that he can get tired of my whims and my selfishness.

I cried, and had gotten extremely melancholic of his presence. And finally, I realized that he had actually already stolen my heart long before. And frankly, I don’t know what he is doing with it right now.

I am so empty, but happy --empty because I lost my heart, but happy because I am in love.

I still have hopes that WE could work. I think it is my turn to prove myself to him.

Right now, I will fight for my love. And, we will see later where this is going to bring me.

I LOVE YOU!

P.S. I learned that I love you, because I can now tell the whole world that I love you. If only I could wear a tag that says, I love PJAA, and I don’t care what you say.